Rapture postponed over iPhone 5; God says he's waiting for the upgrade

God has announced that the Rapture has been postponed from tomorrow until at least the summer or possibly the fall, as he's waiting to get his hands on the new iPhone 5 before proceeding any further. The news comes as a disappointment to millions who were expecting to be swept up tomorrow, but could be seen as good news for those who have high hopes for Apple's fifth generation device. John Meisterman, analyst for tech research firm Punter Johnston, pointed out that the almighty's willingness to wait for the iPhone 5, coupled with his apparent clairvoyance, could be a sign that the upcoming phone's feature list is impressive enough and worth bypassing the current white iPhone 4 in favor of waiting.In a conference call with journalists, God confirmed that he switched to the iPhone after it was released on Verizon ("AT&T's reception up here isn't so great"), and admitted off the record that the whole "rapture" thing was something he made up and was just his way of killing time while waiting for Apple to finally get the iPhone5 to market. Asked whether his iPhone suffers from the supposed "iPhone 4 antenna issue," God made clear that there is no such issue, and that the entire antenna thing and was a hoax was perpetrated by the devil himself, who apparently works for Gizmodo. Asked why Apple is taking so long to bring the iPhone 5g to market, God had no comment. Off in the distance, William Shatner could be heard asking, "What would God need with a cellphone?"Here's more on the iPhone 5 news.